Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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