I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
