My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
