since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
You've changed since you got that strap on
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
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