Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
