I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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