Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
