ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
this boner is exhausting
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Randomize
