My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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