please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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