Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
