ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
