I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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