A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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