His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
