We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
