My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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