He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
50% drunk capacity currently
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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