you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
