I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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