I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
