just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
