I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
