Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Your dad touched me again.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
