If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
