so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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