I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
