What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
