so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
