It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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