Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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