Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I wear drunk well.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
