she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Randomize
