Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
