she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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