Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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