____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
