I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Randomize
