finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize