its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
My breath smells like gin and sadness
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
