you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
