were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
