some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
