Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
