my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
