My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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