So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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