Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Randomize
