fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
