my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
